Can't make this up

@ A student spit into the trashcan. I asked him to not spit in my room. He said"I didn't spit in your room. I spit in the trashcan." I said, again. Do mot spit in my room. He told me it was normal behavior. No. It. Is. Not.

@ Another student failed a test (because she threw it on the floor and did NADA). I gave her a packet she could do on her own time to raise her grade and start teaching about transformations. She raises her hand. "How do you find the first quartile?" Honey, you are failing my class because you are never focused on what is happening in class.

@ Another student was lamenting that her grade was low but it is ok, she'll just do something to raise her grade. Newsflash: you didn't do the last activity I did to raise grades and I am not really planning on doing more.

@ A boy told me I needed to do projects. That was the reason they are not doing well, because I don't do any projects. So I asked him the reason for a project. "They're more funner." No, the purpose is to allow you to use the knowledge you have gained. (But since they refuse to learn anything, there is no knowledge to display.)

@ A girl who has passed three years of math with a 70, and never higher, wants to take AP Statistics. Since she does not take advantage of opportunities to DO math in my class, I won't be giving a recommendation.

@ A boy brought a test to me and asked if I would help him with one of the questions. No.

@ I have taught repeatedly that probability is between 0 and 1. So a student added a bunch of probabilities and came up with 1.3. Looking at her calculator, she had entered .5 instead of .05. I told her the answer was wrong but the calculator had done exactly what she asked it to do.

@ A boy asked me if I could shoot someone. Oh, don't tempt me.

And that was just today.